I want to try to articulate something that happened two nights ago. I am not sure I understand it. I was here at the computer late at night. I was reading an email from a local dance group. Before my back problem, I used to go to it on Friday nights. Basically, it is improvisation to live music from various cultures played on unusual instruments. Anyhow, I was reading and a word caught my attention. I no longer know what this trigger word was. All at once I began to tingle all over. Instantly, my mind went very still and I shut my eyes and went within….
Amid the silence, these few words:
The long way home…
I intuitively understood that my life is a round trip, and that I am coming home again. Home.
I felt a part of my mind, my brain perhaps, open. I just knew this part of me was five years old! I felt indescribable. All I can say is I suddenly felt–very young.
Children are in the Light…before the “hole”closes and we become our “darker” selves.
We are not who we think we are, who thought makes us. Our dark self is thought. Our non-thought, our real self, is Light.
I “held” my child self inside my adult self, and then I became just silence watching and feeling and then BEING that child occupying my body.
I laughed! A laugh of pure joy and delight.
I sat on my bed and played with the design on my blanket cover with my fingers. It was as though I had never seen it before. I was all curiosity.
I went to the bathroom mirror. My face was more radiant than I have ever seen it–and all my forehead wrinkles were gone!
More than that, my spine was suddenly better aligned and almost without pain!
Then I understood something. For as long as you have known me, even back in my dancing days, I have experienced a mysterious difference between my left and right side of my body. I always feel more sensitive, receptive, energetically “weaker” on my left side compared to my right side. In this moment, I realized that my left-right imbalance comes from my denying, banishing my child part of me, the part of me who holds my Light!
Not long ago, in a dream I think, the words came–
It took me a short time to understand this was some part of me telling me to somehow activate my left side of my body, which means the right side (the creative side) of my brain. “Drift left….”
And then, one day, in a Continuum class here, we were lying on the floor (Continuum is minimal movement with maximum meditation), eyes closed. Then all at once I “saw” the Starship Enterprise! Star Trek has been an inspiration for me for fifty years. The Enterprise moved from the right side of my head inside, to the left….
I heard Kirk give the command to…
“Go back in time, Spock, to May 20, 1941, New York City. Warp speed. Engage!”
I saw the Starship shoot forward from the centre of my brain, the stars streaking past, and then I was in a hospital room watching my own birth!
“Spock, we are going to change history. We are going to make everything right. Activate the Integrator!”
Suddenly the room was filled with a pulsating white light. Everything was hidden in the glow…
“Take us out of here, Spock. Next destination, December 7, 1941, New York City. Engage!”
Now I was in my mother’s arms, looking up at her. At the same time I had a camera’s view of us both. I was a few months old and we were alone in our New York City apartment. My father was away in upstate New York being the State Board of Parole Chief. My mother was lonely. I could feel it as I lay in her arms. Also, she was deeply afraid. New York City was afraid it was going to be bombed. She was comforting me but in reality she wanted me to comfort her. In this moment I felt her anxiety on my sensitive skin, felt it penetrate me like the cold, “infecting” me with chronic fear for life….
“This is it, Spock. Activate the Integrator.”
We were bathed in the light. Baby me opened his eyes suddenly and stared into the light! I, that infant, could not possibly know that someday I, his future self, would “see” him looking into my eyes and that I would be looking into his. This seeing into self bridging time and space would be…
“The Integrator. Spock, it’s working! We are doing it. We are making everything right by integrating past with present. Take us to June 3, 1955, Van Nuys, California….”
I was sitting at the dinner table with my brother, father and mother. My father was asking my mother what she thought of some story in the newspaper. She gave her opinion, and my father made some cold, judgmental comment in response. I saw the hurt in my mother’s eyes. She said nothing. I said nothing. This was typical interchange.
The Integrator lit the scene, leaving a sense that something had just been changed….
Decades later, this scene came to mind for some reason. Recalling this time, I felt hurt and angry at my father for hurting my mother. I wished I had stood up for her. In my life, it became very important to me to encourage any woman I cared about to speak her mind and her heart. To this day, that is the way that I am. The Integrator worked!
“Mission accomplished, Spock. Take us home….”
The Enterprise shot forward into the darkness, becoming a point of light among the stars….
And now I understand:
I am the Journey…